Picture waking up one day and the one thing you knew for certain was a lie. You know that jobs are fleeting, that friends may come and go, that your favourite team will lose sometimes, but the one certainty you have is that ____________ will be constant.
My constant was my husband. My best friend. Failings he had many, and I knew this. I have my own after all. Apparently, blind trust is one of my many downfalls. I woke up and discovered that he wasn't who I thought him to be, who he portrayed himself to be, and had been leading a double life throughout our marriage.
I am not a stupid woman. I am pretty trusting and prior to the dissolution of my marriage, very naive. So here I am after 15 years of marriage, pregnant with my sixth child. I had given up my career and thoughts of post-secondary to raise our kids. And I did it with no rancour or bitterness. I felt it was my vocation to do so and for the most part I loved it.
This is what I discovered that day: that my husband was an addict. It doesn't matter to what he was addicted to. It only mattered that his addiction was more important than me, our children, and our marriage. In order to protect his addiction he lied. Lie upon lie upon lie. The addict's mind is an incredible thing; he managed to convince himself that lying was justified because he was protecting me or rationalized it to the point where it no longer was a lie in his sick mind. Five years later, the lies are still unraveling and new discoveries are made, but they don't affect me as they once did.
We went to counseling. I really wanted to make my marriage work. The counselor wanted us to do a, b, and c. My husband made a fledgling attempt and then quit trying. I drew further away from him, but felt trapped by my faith, my family, my house, my circumstances. And then things began to point in other directions. I had an opportunity to leave my house. I had an opportunity to be free from my extended family. I had an opportunity to further my education and start a new life for me and my children.
And I have done it with minimal help.
Today, I am enrolled in school. We live in another community. I have a new partner, who loves me and respects me. He is honest, although I still have trouble trusting. We are expecting a baby in January and the future looks bright for our growing family. I'm so grateful I was brave enough to say yes to these opportunities and crawl out of the pit I had fallen into.

A new week

So last week was interesting.
My 5 year old decided on his first day of school that he was done and going home.  He was tired and not interested in doing what he was told to do.  He threatened to burn the school down and left. No one was happy that day. Not me, not his dad, not his teacher or principal, and not his class; and certainly not him. First day and we're called into the principal's office. Sigh.
This set a pattern for a crappy day.
I was late for class, and my equilibrium was thrown for the entire day.  Could not shake this pattern to save my life.
And I was angry.  Angry at him, at the teachers, angry at his dad and angry at me.  What environment creates a five year old who threatens his school and teachers? What kind of mother does that?

How I got here(the abridged version)

If you had told me 5 years ago that I’d be living anywhere else, I would have snorted derisively at you.
 I was stuck.  Trapped even.  In a marriage, on an acreage with my kids. Trapped into thinking that how’s I needed to live. It was a tightly wound life I was living. Slowly, and then with gathering speed, it began to unravel.  I left my marriage. 
I started to plan the next step.  Trying to decipher how I was going to support my family.  No real education and many years at home.  Only a few years in the workforce.
I discovered the Professional Communications course at MacEwan. I was instantly drawn to it.  How to do it though? I was stuck on this acreage which I couldn’t afford to leave, when suddenly that door opened as well. Last obstacle: how was I going to afford this? A new job solved that problem.
And so here I am.  I’m a mature student.  I have children.  I’m hoping to have a part-time job. I have a house.  All of these things require my time, energy and attention. This blog will document my life as I play all these roles.  I will try to be honest, but here are somethings I will not share here. This is for posterity.  For future me.  For my children. I will fall, I’ll include these falls. I hope there will be more success though than fails.